Scene: Courtroom

Curtain rises on Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard defamation case.


Main characters: Johnny Depp seated on the left, Amber Heard on the right, along with lawyers, officials, various and sundry.

Judge Azcarate along with Jury.


Chorus: Sweeney Todd, Willy Wonka, Captain Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands, Mad Hatter


Silence pervades. Enter judge from stage left.


Wonka(In a squeaky voice)– Good morning starshine, the Earth says hello!

Sparrow– Oh bugger, is it time already?


Enter Jury from the right.


Judge– Is your final answer unanimous?

Jury– Yes


Sweeney– I will have revenge, I will have salvation!

Edward– I have a question. (Raises hand)


Official begins reading out the verdict. Voice continues to read in the background while the spotlight keeps shifting from Official to Chorus.


Sparrow– What is it, mate? Spit it out.

Hatter– Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Edward– No, that’s not what I meant.

Wonka– What do you think, will we make it through this?

Sparrow– All I know is that there won’t be any living with her after this.


Official– In Civil case number CL 20192911, Mr Depp….


Hatter– I have been considering things that begin with the letter J- Judge, Jury, Johnny… Justice.

Edward (shyly)– That’s all very well but I…


Official– Do you find that Mr Depp has proven all the elements of defamation? Answer, yes……..


Sparrow (growling)– There, what did I tell ya mate?

Sweeney– I will have revenge, I will have salvation!

Wonka and Hatter clap vigorously.

Wonka (happily) – Well done! Well done!

Hatter– Would you like some tea?

Sparrow– I tell the truth quite a lot, yet everyone acts surprised.

Edward smiles tightly and nods.


Official– Has Mr Depp proven, by a greater weight of the evidence, that a statement was made and published by Ms Heard? Answer, yes.


Amber’s face becomes visibly upset. Johnny and his team are getting hopeful.


Sparrow– I believe the word she’s looking for is ‘parley’.

Wonka– Maybe a piece of chocolate will cheer her up.

Hatter– I would love to hat her! She has such a lovely head. (Giggles)

Sweeney– I will have revenge, I will have salvation!

Sparrow– That’s enough, old boy.

Edward– But, but…



Official– As against Amber Heard, we the Jury, award punitive damages in the amount of ten million dollars …..


Sparrow– Bring out the rum!

Hatter– She has lost all of her muchness.

Wonka– I really quite enjoyed that. 

Sweeney– I will have revenge, I will have salvation!

Sparrow– It’s always the honest ones you have to look out for.

Edward– I really need to ask something. (Raises hand again)

Wonka– Yes, I really cannot understand a word you’re saying.

Hatter– Down with the bloody blonde head!


Judge– All right, court is adjourned.


Lawyers on both sides hug each other in happiness or despair respectively.

Exit Judge from stage left, shortly followed by Amber and team.


Hatter– What is it you want?

Edward– Can I give her a haircut?


Curtains close. 

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