Sunday, September 27, 2020
Home Claws Club When thoughts melt into music...

When thoughts melt into music…

I have been sitting here for a while. Half an hour or so. A long exhausting week. I am tired . The project is killing me – returns are pathetic. No growth. I hate Shashank. Ass !

“ You know something , Sir ? Shashank isn’t as sincere as he shows himself to be . He is a shirker and a back stabber. I have been singlehandedly managing things at this end. He is hardly around.” Must say this to the boss.

One , two , three and four . One more deep breath and relax. Did I chant the mantra I was supposed to before breathing in. Can’t remember. I should be paying more attention . Priya does it so well. I saw her Facebook profile yesterday. She calls herself a meditator. Wow ! I love that. I used to do it so well . Now – no time. Too tired.

One deep breath in. Ouch ! That pain again . been hurting for the last three days now – as if someone has just poked me in the side. I need to show it to the doctor soon. Today is Tuesday. Will Dr Rao be available at his chamber today. Let’s see if I can call him. If I don’t go today , I won’t be able to go till Friday. This project is killing me. No time . If Shashank and Ash cooperated a little , things would have been easier. High time someone told the boss. Did I complete the first round of pranayams? Or did I move on to the second ? I really need to do my meditation seriously . Breathe in . Breathe out . Breathe in again and breathe out. Relax .

Lovely breeze! It brings with it the freshness of November! Winter is coming up. Will need to pull out the woollens soon. It’s the first of November already. Last year this time Di was expecting . Time really flies .Munchkin is 7 months old. Oh Shucks ! I missed Anu’s birthday . Must call her today and apologise .

Breathe in slowly. Focus. Yea. That is it . Let the mind go blank . Nothing is bothering me . Nothing matters . Mmmmmm. Nice . Breathe in and breathe out and relax . Feel the energy flow through your body . Relax. Silence . Who is making parathas at this hour ? It is 5.0 am often get the smell of food during meditation. Must be from the building opposite . Wonder how Sheela aunty is.

Ok Chill ! Focus . Breathe in and breathe out . Silence again . The mind is silent . The clock is ticking away. muscles relaxed . Calm. Sleepy. Did I fall asleep ? Seriously tired . Breathe in and slowly breathe out .

Now slowly open your eyes. Hmm feeling rejuvenated . Must tell Riya to meditate. Alka has probably got my glass of honey and lemon juice ready . Good for health . A great way to detox . I have a long day ahead . Wish today was Saturday. Need to to settle Shashank . He is planning to take a day off . Imagine ! We have a deadline to meet and he decides to waltz off.

Some wedding in the family or some such thing. I care two hoots. He has been driving the entire team up the wall with his silly idiosyncrasies . Well , I wouldn’t call them idiosyncrasies. He is way too smart for that . Artful Dodger would be more like it . Forgot to close the tap. It’s already 8.

The phone is buzzing . Now where did I leave it ? Not in the bag . Not on the table . Ma , where is my phone ? Ma . Alka .oh yea ,on the sofa . The boss. What does he what? the meeting at the Head Office rescheduled . We will now have it in the afternoon . Great. That gives me an extra couple of hours to get all the data ready . What a relief ! I need to be ready before Ash beats me to it . Ma , Baba, see you.

The security man is such a nice person . He always greets me with a warm smile. His “Good morning Madam ji “ is kind of heart warming . I must remember to speak to Mrs Sharma regarding his son’s admission . He is pinning his hopes on me . Will have my sandwich on the way. The driver is really nice. Friendly . I like the way he calls me beti. Says I remind him of his niece ,She is an IAS officer . He says I am very committed to my work . He should know . There have been countless occasions when he has dropped me back from work at almost midnight . If only the boss appreciated me just as much . No raise in almost a year . The traffic is crawling. I should be reaching office in another ten minutes or so. Job sucks. People suck. Can’t eat this sandwich.

…………………..

She thinks no end of herself . Who the hell does she think she is ? I have been slogging as much as her and she goes and pours out her sob story of a neck pain due to over work. And he actually sympathizes with her . Has recommended some doctor .My foot ! Like as if I haven’t got problems. Three meetings before lunch , including one to finalise details regarding our Mumbai visit next week . Ash, as usual, has goofed up the dates. The boss has ticked her off for her lapse. I , in his place , would have blasted the hell out her . Lucky girl . Damn Shashank ! Creep ! Oh lord ! I am exhausted . I just need to up my performance ratings with this project . I will then be his boss ! He will have hell to pay . Lord, just let me get that promotion . Why is Ma calling now ? Too much to do . Can’t answer now . Will call her at lunch time.

…………………..

Silence ensues . It is the kind of silence that envelopes you in its warm embrace when you are lost in work . I love it . I am barely aware of the phones ringing , of the tapping of keyboards or the rustling of paper. Arjun has been plying me with cups of coffee while I browse through the files . A couple of cups have gone to waste as the coffee turned cold . I stop for a stretch and run a hand down my back .My phone is on silent mode .

………………………

 

 

Need a walk . I am so tired . Why do I keep saying that all the time ? Maybe I think too much . That’s what Baba says. Shirley is wearing a lovely pair of shoes. Must be from Bangkok. The one she got me last year got spoilt in the rains. I wonder if Ma threw them away. Hell ! I haven’t called Ma . I hardly get time to talk to her. She wanted me to go shopping with her to pick up something for Preeti Aunty’s daughter’s engagement. She could easily order something online. Wait , let me see if I can find something. A bag ? A saree ? Ma usually prefers giving jewellery. No point checking out for something online. Ma will never agree. That’s a nice bag. Guess I will pick it up for myself. I could take it with me on my Mumbai trip. Looks classy. Typical Corporate style. Diwali decorations not removed as yet still celebrating these guys. I am tired ! I need a break . Guess I should have become a teacher like Di . Lot of holidays . Chuckle. But of course I earn more. Chuckle .

……………………..

The lift glides down silently , smoothly , effortlessly.

…………………….

New liftman . Never seen him. Funny moustache. Sulky. Whoa rude! Probably dislikes his job . Or maybe had a fight with his wife. Silly joke. Chuckle . Nice to get out of the AC ambience and get some fresh air. What the hell ! Why can’t people be careful ? Who the hell has thrown this coffee cup here ? Dumb idiots ! No civic sense. Coffee splashed on the pathway. Disgusting. Head is pounding. Nerves are jangling. Can’t tolerate people anymore.

………………………..

. What .. Oh God.What noise. Hazy. Why this crowd … Car.. cant move .Let me go. Leave me alone. Oh God ! I can’t breathe .. can’t hear myself. Am I saying something ? head feels wet. Let me go. Let go of my hand. Please. Can’t breathe. ? phone is ringing . meeting – 3. Ma .. want to lie down , can’t hear anything. can’t see …

…………………………

Silence invading my senses . After a long time. Peaceful. Baba is here . Peace . Sleep. Lovely. Music. Nice. She is smiling at me so warmly . Never met her . She is doing something ..drip … Peace.

Ma here.. Didi is saying something. Baba ? It is cold . Peaceful. Head is hurting. Sleepy.

………………………….

Baba is holding my hand . I feel like a kid again . The four year old who had malaria. Sweet. Those big , strong hands enveloping mine. After so long. Not held my hand. Years . 15 ? White sheets up to my neck. Not quiet dead. There is a fan. Wasn’t there last time. Room looks different. Sleepy. Not tired. Just sleepy. Is that a snore ? Sleep.

Hazy faces , muffled voices . Laughter ? Who is laughing ? Flowers . Hmm . Head is hurting. I need to use the loo. No , no not here. I need to use the loo. Getting up. Please don’t shout. I can’t argue . He is nice . White coat. Nice smile. Something about Saturday.

………………………….

My hair has grown. Ma oils it everyday. I love these mother daughter chats. She has aged a lot . I need to take more care of her . The tantalizing fragrance of coffee. I have never really had the time to smell the coffee . Ma makes it so well . Sigh . The evening air feels delicious . Life is beautiful . It was slipping away perhaps. Way beyond my control . Or maybe I was trying to control it . Maybe I was trying too hard. Something like a storm raging within . Like running along an endless road that leads nowhere . Or rather not knowing what I am running towards. People at office have been so good to me. Shashank , He got his uncle to operate on me. Books , flowers , sweets, messages – pouring in from everywhere.

Baba has returned from his evening walk . I feel his gentle touch on my shoulder . I smile . I smile a lot these days . I feel loved . Very loved. I think I had these barriers built around me before. Huge towering walls of mistrust. No one was important enough or good enough . Like a broken branch afloat a gushing stream. Tossed around mercilessly. No pause. Till that morning. This beautiful lightness. Friends and family have planned a celebration. Tomorrow. On the terrace. Joining work next month . Meanwhile so many things to do. Baba is singing . Ma has joined him . What a handsome couple. Lovely lyrics. I hum along.

“Beautiful dreamer , wake unto me,

Starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee ;

Sounds of the rude world heard in the day,

Lull’d by the moonlight have all passed away.”

…………………………………………………………

( Note – Beautiful dreamer is a song originally written by Stephen Foster )

***

The above story is an entry into the writing event(Feb. 1st – 24th) hosted by ArtoonsInn: #Trainofthoughts #Legends3

Event rules and guidelines: https://writers.artoonsinn.com/train-of-thoughts-artale-legends-3/

Check out Jayashree’s space here: https://writers.artoonsinn.com/2019/02/23/when-thoughts-melt-into-music/

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Jayashree Pillai
Jayashree Pillai
Jayashree spends half her day tearing her hair in frustration, wondering why kids these days just don't get their tenses and prepositions right. Once she calms down and the horns disappear, she is genial, warm, friendly and smiling. She hates to sit idle and enjoys a whole lot of things which include cooking and gardening but her knowledge is pretty limited in those areas. So she is actually an amateur in the purest sense.
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