Guilty or Not Guilty.. ?

Standing outside this beautiful log cabin, just admiring the beauty. Nature at it’s best. Peace .. yes that’s what I wanted.
Had brought only one small suitcase of clothes and few books, everything else was stocked, that was told.. “Hope So” .

The driver of the rented car, gave me awkward look, was quiet concerned, kept on asking if I needed anything.

After all it’s not everyday a heavily pregnant woman stays in a cabin all alone. He did give me his number for emergency and promised to come before time after three days to pick me up.. such a sweetheart..

I have seen people’s attitude changing when they see a pregnant woman, in cafe, in supermarkets, during traveling..
I do wonder why these men cannot have the same attitude always.. ?
Anyways .. forget all that..

I walked around the cabin, soaking in the sheer beauty, I knew this would be my only time here. The weather was chilly now.
Needed a cup of hot tea, with lemon grass and ginger..

Wow !! the interiors was out of the world. A cosy living room and an open kitchen. A black wooden idol of Lord Ganesh in the corner of the living room, with a brass lamp and an agarbatti stand. I am an atheist, so nothing exciting about the idol. But it did look beautiful.

The other rooms were more interesting. Two beautiful bedrooms and  my favorite, a library and a mini theatre room, well stocked with Hindi and Other language films.
Now this is ‘Jannat’ for me.

Kitchen was well stocked, Food cooked for three days in the refrigerator. As I prepared my tea, saw an envelope on the platform.

It read, “Nisha, like you wanted, everything is kept in order. The cleaning lady won’t come for three days, one more of your demands met. I know you don’t believe in any God, but I do believe, the maid used to light the lamp everyday, since she won’t be coming, I am requesting you to do it. Please. “
Love Anirudd.

Ok.. whatever..  Even if I don’t light, as if he will know..
Still I will do it..

Finished my dinner early,  switched on the heater to a comfortable temperature thought will lie down for a bit and then watch some movies.

I got up to the chirping of birds. Omg .. I slept like a log, and have still so much to do. I have only two days with me.. have to watch movies and read .. and … ok ..that’s it.

Finished my daily routine, took my tea and a novel, sat outside on the  on the porch.

This house was the perfect hideout for Anirudd Kapoor, away from the society and paparazzi.

Anirudd a well known actor had his reasons to go away once in a while.
Me an actress.. few movies to my name but only as a side role.

I went inside, lit the lamp. As an orphan and after experiencing many hardships related to everything, your basic survival is yourself, so stopped believing God in any form.

Anirudd was from a film family, so everything planned and chartered for him, believing in every diety and celebrating every festival be it Diwali, Id or Christmas .. it was a tradition or a show .. no idea..

There were some videos and books on A
Acting, might as well watch them.

Finished my quota of movies, I sat in the living room, realizing .. Oh God ! I have to leave tomorrow afternoon.. such a short visit ..

Not fair, I haven’t explored the area, maybe.. if I tell Anirudd, I can visit again.. after the delivery..

I stopped my thoughts, my hand was over my stomach, as if caressing my baby..

I looked up and my eyes met the Lord’s eyes.. He had a penetrating look..

Stop it Nisha! I told myself..
I removed my hand, got up and started walking, feeling uneasy with my thoughts.

I sat down and just closed my eyes, tears started flowing,  
Not once in these eight months,  have
I cried. This was a planned pregnancy. I got into this heart and soul, knew the repercussions..  

Actually I have been told that I am a cold-hearted person, I did not get excited during the ultrasounds, nor when the baby kicked.

Then why suddenly.. these tears? Maybe this
trip was a bad idea, the loneliness in a city and loneliness in an isolated area are two different things.

Sighing, as dusk approached, I got up to switch on the lights and ya.. light the lamp.

Now Mr. Ganapati’s face illuminated more. As if he was telling me something.
Ok.. I sat in front of him, and spoke
” listen, I don’t know what you are saying, but … ” and I started crying.. my hand again on my stomach.
” yes, I am betraying my child… sorry…this baby, I am sorry. “

I couldn’t stop crying, had read somewhere that you become too sentimental during pregnancy or maybe after delivery.

I continued my conversation with the Lord
” see.. this is a business deal, so what?? . I am selling and somebody is buying. Don’t give me those looks that I am guilty. People do worse things. Anirudd and his gay partner needed a baby. Anirudd trusts me, so he chose me to be a surrogate mother..I agreed …what’s wrong in it .. . in return ?? Obviously a career launch abroad, he is well connected.”

I continued, ” yes.. so.. a very clinical approach.. my eggs .. his sperms.. and IVF.. He will tell the world that he has adopted this child, no one should know right now that this is his baby “

I had stopped long time back of  having any maternal feelings for this baby, .. the main contract is not to have any contact with the child.

I looked at the Lord again, ” have I done something wrong, I am not abandoning the child, like how my mother did.  I am just helping them.. so you still think that I am guilty” I was asking him.

Whom am I kidding .. I saw this as an opportunity for my career, I am 25 and long way to go.

Just for a second, I thought ..suppose I don’t give this child, what will happen ? Obviously I wont have any career, no finances, and the child will also not gain anything. Whereas according to the contract, my career launch, and the best of  everything for this baby.
At least this baby won’t suffer like how I did, and maybe when she grows she will pardon me for giving her up.”

I thought ..yes .. I have pardoned my parents for giving me up, they might have faced something more grave.

Closed my eyes and slept on the couch.

Eyes opened to a bright new day. Started arranging my things. Felt at peace somewhere there was a kind of guilt in my heart but after yesterday’s conversation felt light.

The old driver honked, right before the scheduled time.
I smiled, approached the door, turned back went to the idol.
Lit the lamp, my one hand touched his feet and the other my stomach then instinctively folded my hands, saying ” protect my child always “

I went to the car, had one last  look at this beautiful cabin, tears in my eyes  knew I wouldn’t be able to come, but my baby will surely enjoy this enchanting place.

 

Photo by Kristin Ellis from Unsplash

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