i choose a table set far away from the entrance, in a dark corner of the coffee place… because i want those few seconds to observe her before she notices me… wonder what she will be seeing when she spots me… a clean-shaven twenty-year-old who is anxious… i consciously stop my fingers from drumming on the table… my spanish therapist has said that i must desist from physical signs of distress to achieve La Paz… peace of mind… are my eyes showing the fatigue of my long-haul flight… should i have worn the black T-shirt with the jeans…i want her to see me as a smart young man…without a care in the world… not the nervous, edgy young person i really am… why oh why do i even care about what she thinks… she did not have any qualms… oh damn… the waiter is hovering around and i tell him i would order later… what was i thinking of… yes.. she did not have any qualms when she abandoned me when i was hardly a few hours old, did she… she left me at the gates of an orphanage all bundled up… did she turn away from me when the nurses placed me next to her… did she swat at my tiny fingers when they clutched the air frantically, searching for her…did my pitiable cries play on her heart… did she remember my birthdays later… she wouldn’t have, i am sure. if she had loved me she wouldn’t have given me up… i have heard male babies are seldom abandoned in india. it’s only the girl babies that are…i see someone opening the door… is it her… no… looks too young… or maybe this IS the girl to who i really sent the message to… she pretended to be the person to mock me… she would come, sit in front and laugh derisively… tell me she wanted to see the sucker whom his mom had abandoned… my eyes stop seeing and a cold shroud envelops my heart… there is a numb feeling in my brain and i can’t think… my mind plays a litany… your mom doesn’t love you… she abandoned you… she hates you hatesyouhatesyou… the girl doesn’t even look at me…waves to someone energetically and joins some youngsters talking noisily…
blast that waiter… he is again hovering…wants to know if i want some coffee while i wait… i refuse harshly… i look at my watch… she is late… by two minutes… i had been searching for her online, putting my hacking skills to use… but it took me a few years to find her because i had only some sketchy details from my foster parents… finally, finally, i found her… it took me a whole day of writing and rewriting to eventually draft a message to her… i told her i was looking for La paz… peace of mind… it took another day to pick up the courage to post it… i kept checking and rechecking to see if she had seen it… then when she did see, i wondered if she was shocked… if she was revolted… if she still hated me… i saw a long pause… what was she thinking right then… will she yell at me… call me a lair… tell me i got the wrong person… she began typing and her fingers stopped for a second…then a long bout of typing and then another long pause… did it mean she too has been missing me… what was she writing… that she did think of me sometimes… no… if she did, she would not have hatedmehatedmehatedme… finally she typed out one single line… agreeing to meet me here… no comments about what i had written… neither confirmation nor denial… i didn’t tell her that i lived half the way across the globe…but i made it… this place this day this time…
the doors open once again… is it her… looking so young and vulnerable… she must be at least forty… wearing a long kurta and a pair of jeans… glasses that make her look dignified… a handbag that she clutches close to her heart… mymommymommymom.. my mom who abandoned me…scans the room with timid, hesitant eyes… sees me and halts briefly…fumbles for a second… clinches the bag closer to her heart… is she being defensive… she approaches me cautiously but with determination…
i have this compelling urge to get up and run to her… crush her with a tight hug… mymommymom… instead, i stand up formally and give her a tremulous smile…
She sits on the chair gingerly… as if she is ready to bolt if needed… we both look at each other… hungrily… no words… i don’t know how much time passes… a minute… a year… eternity… finally she lowers her eyes… the infernal waiter is back… i choose a lot of items from the menu with the coffee… so he won’t be disturbing us… us… me and my mom…for a while… when he leaves i look at her… eyes still lowered… suddenly she grabs my hands in hers… tightly… as if trying to fit a million hugs into one rigid grip… startled, i look up…she is looking at me too… her eyes are luminous… shining with unshed tears… she whispers… was helpless… only eighteen years old…no one to help me.. my own eyes begin to sting… her voice is so faint, i have to lean over to hear what she says… i never stopped feeling guilty… went back to the orphanage so many times but they wouldn’t help me… never married… never stopped thinking about you… never stopped missing you… never stopped loving you…
There is a tight ball down my throat that threatens to catapult out… but strangely the cold shroud evanesces out of my heart and the numbness leaves my brain… the eternal litany of hatehatehate changes to shelovesloveslovesme… i squeeze back vehemently… my grip is both fierce and gentle at the same time.
[zombify_post]
Beautiful